


Eddie and Richie are Parents (yes, together)

by StrangeOccurrence



Category: IT (1990), IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Alternate Universe - Parents, Comedian Richie Tozier, Domestic, Drabble, Family, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff, Husbands, M/M, but you'll have to use your imagination I guess, or it could be a, this is corny af enjoy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:00:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28182030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrangeOccurrence/pseuds/StrangeOccurrence
Summary: does what it says on the label. Just an evening at the Tozier-Kaspbrak residence.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak & Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 8
Kudos: 65





	Eddie and Richie are Parents (yes, together)

**Author's Note:**

> This is almost too short to even bother reading but I was watching a tv show and the kid was being a brat so I was like... okay this would be cute if they were parents tho. 
> 
> Barely even idea . Is this what 'Drabble' means?? Idk
> 
> Also, songs of the hour:  
> Send Me On My Way - Rusted Root  
> Welcome Home - Radical Face

“Zoe? Can you get your dad, please?” Eddie yells towards the door. He's alone in the kitchen. 

“Didn’t you hear?” Richie walks in barely before the words have left Eddie's mouth. He's holding an empty mug and three plates. “She’s not talking to me.”

“There you are." Eddie says. "Honey." he calls again. "Dinner!” Then he raises an eyebrow at Richie. “What’d you do, now?” Before Richie can answer, the oven starts beeping. Eddie curses to himself.

“Why did we let you cook, again?” Richie says.

“Because everyone in this house is extremely fucking lazy.” Eddie tosses the baking tray onto the stovetop with a clang and lets out a breath. He discards his oven gloves and turns to Richie. “I need you to sell out next tour so we can get a maid.”

Richie puts the plates in the dish washer and catches Eddie on his way past. He leans down and kisses him gently.

“You would never let a maid in here.” He says, going into the drawer to fish out cutlery. “You would murder them if they touched your sock drawer wrong. How about you get your daughter to help out for once?”

“ _Your_ daughter picked up all her domestic habits from _you_.” Eddie says. He starts cutting haphazardly at the roast chicken with a knife and a serving fork.

“There are gonna be more holes in that than meat.” Richie notes helpfully.

“I can hear you talking about me.” Says a voice from the doorway.

“There’s my girl.” Richie says loudly. Eddie sighs as Richie starts tossing place-mats at the table like frisbees. “We thought we’d lost you to that big green box in your room. What do they call it these days? Tele-vision?”

“That is not funny. You are so _old.”_ Zoe says with abject disgust on her face. She plops herself down at the kitchen table. 

“Don’t be rude.” Eddie says, narrowly missing his thumb when the knife slips. “Fuck. Rich, darling, could you-“

“You swore.” Zoe notes.

“Thank you.” Eddie says through his teeth.

“Okay, okay, okay.” Richie puts his hands up. “Cool it. The vibe in this kitchen is gonna full on rot the dinner Dad has lovingly slaved over for hours _.”_

“No one has said the word ‘vibe’ in like eighty million years.”

“She’s got you there.” Eddie says. He drops the knife and lets Richie take over. He makes quick work of carving the rest of the meat. Eddie sieves some vegetables and Zoe pulls her Nintendo out from the netted bag she carries around everywhere. 

"Hey-" Richie says as he dumps chicken unceremoniously onto each plate. "You have a death wish, kid? Put that away."

"I'm calling CPS." Zoe says blankly, snapping the DS shut and folding her arms aggressively. 

***

“I’m sure she loved me last year.” Richie says later. Zoe's upstairs and Richie and Eddie are in the living room. The TV is playing quietly in the background.

“Well, you got eleven years in.” Eddie runs a hand along Richie’s shoulders, back and forth, slowly. “That’s a good run, I think. At least she's talking to you again.”

“I never wanted to sympathise with my mom.” Richie says darkly. “Hey-“ he twists quickly and grabs Eddie around the waist, dragging him down across his lap. “You’re next, you know.”

“Fuck you, I’m perfect. She’s gonna love me forever.” Eddie says. He elbows Richie in the chest and then, at once, they both give up. Eddie pushes himself up again. They sit, side by side, arms loosely around one another.

“Yeah.” Richie says. “I don’t blame her.”

Eddie rocks sideways, nudging Richie gently. “She’ll come back around. Want me to talk to her?”

“Good luck.” Richie slaps both knees theatrically and groans as he stands. “The kid’s right. I am fucking old, though. I can feel my tendons disintegrating.”

“Shh.” Eddie says. “Go get a bath or something. I’ll do bedtime.”

***

Upstairs, Eddie knocks on her door.

“Bug. Ready for Bed?” He goes in. She's sitting on her bed cross legged. Her netted bag is sitting sadly on the floor.

“Something up?” Eddie goes over and sits on the edge of her bed.

Zoe plays with her comforter.

“Mallory’s mom says Dad’s a pervert.” She says to the quilt. It has little embroidered squirrels and owls on it. Bev bought it for her tenth birthday from a market in Bulgaria.

“Honey!” Eddie says. “We’ve talked about Dad’s job… and how some people feel about his jokes.”

“I know.” She says. “It’s fucking annoying.”

“Hey!” Eddie says. He tries to sound stern, but it’s a little funny. She sounds most like Richie when she’s mad. Eddie was always glad about that. He doesn't think he’d like a mini person with his temper running around the place. “Language.”

“ _Dad_ swears on TV all the time.”

“What’s the rule about the TV? What happens in the box stays-”

“I’m not five, I don’t need all those, like, slogan things to remember stuff.” Zoe mumbles.

“Oh, Good!” Says Eddie. “So you do know already; not to repeat anything your father says outside of this house. Or inside of it, for that matter.”

He watches the gears turn in her head. She scratches her nose, eyes squeezed shut.

“They’re mean to me.” She says after a while. Eddie takes a breath. “Why can’t he just do something normal?”

“They’re assholes.”

Zoe looks up, eyebrows almost in her hairline.

“You just told me-!”

“You can say this _once_. Because it’s true.”

She smiles.

“Once. Go on.” Says Eddie.

“They’re assholes.” She giggles.

“Okay, now no more.” Eddie lifts the comforter and gestures for her to tuck her legs under. She does and he kisses her forehead as he gets up. “Whenever they’re bugging you, just remember that. Dad works really hard, okay?” Eddie turns out the bedside lamp. Then he leans down to plug in the star-light machine. “And he does it because it makes him happy. Some people don’t understand it, and that’s fine, but who’s more important? Some assholes at school, or Dad?”

Zoe covers her mouth to laugh again.

“Dad.” She says.

“Bingo.” Eddie goes to the door and puts a hand on the main lightswitch. “You guys haven’t had a movie night in a while.” He says.

“I’ll think about it.” Zoe says sternly. Eddie smiles at her and flicks the switch.  
  
“I’ll pass that along. Goodnight, honey.” He says.

“Night.” She says from the dark.

***

“Our daughter would prefer it if you were an accountant." Eddie takes the cushions off the bed. It's twelve-thirty. They watched one too many episodes of The Office downstairs and now Eddie's going to be exhausted at work tomorrow. He burrows himself under their duvet and stares at the ceiling. "I don’t know what is going on anymore.” he says. Richie comes to the bathroom door, silhouetted against the light.

“Huh?” He says through a mouthful of toothpaste. Eddie squints into the light.

“Nothing. Zoe. The Cold War going on under this roof at all times. Are you coming to bed or not?”

“Mm-“ Richie disappears from the doorway again. Eddie can hear him spit, then the faucet hisses on and off. Eddie’s half asleep again by the time the bed dips next to him.

“C’mere, baby.” Richie says.

Eddie rolls over and plants his face into Richie’s chest.

“I don’t know if I’m ready.” He sighs.

“What for?”

“She’s gonna be a teenager… at some point.” He says. “It already- It’s just going so fast.”

“Couple years until that milestone, my love. Are-“ Richie peers down at Eddie, moving his hair with two fingers to see his face better. “You’re not crying are you?”

“No.” Eddie says. He’s not, but he feels like he could. He sort of always feels like it at the moment. “Every time I think we’re getting the hang of things it’s like- whole new universe is dropped out of the sky. She asked me for a smartphone yesterday. It's, like, we were only just doing shoelaces, you know?”

“She is never having a smartphone.” Richie says, yawning.

“Rich.”

“I don’t care if she’s fifty. No smartphones.” He pets Eddie’s back, drawing curling lines over the curve of his spine and around his shoulder blades.

“That sounds enforceable.” Eddie says. Wind whistles through the crack in the window pane from when Richie knocked the wardrobe over. An owl hoots somewhere nearby. “What was your favourite part?”

“Jesus.” Richie says. “I don’t think we’re meant to have those.”

“We’re not meant to have favourite _children_. And we only have one so we get an automatic pass.” Eddie holds up a hand, Richie pats it in a lazy high five.

“Can I say something gay? For my favourite part?”

“Impossible for you not to.”

“Every time we really nail something. That's my favourite. Like, that first week when she was a baby and she was using the potty-“

“That was the best week of my life.” Eddie says. Richie cups his mouth, making a roaring sound like a crowd. “Ooh. The piano recital, second grade. She beat the fuck out of that little bitch, Ellen.”

“Yeah.” Richie says. “Don’t you think we kinda have one of those every week or so? Just a mini one. Getting her to eat broccoli. Acing those moronic spelling quizzes.”

“Those are actually hard.”

“Those are my favourite moments.” Richie says.

“This is too sad, I’m going to sleep.” Eddie rolls away again, gathering his pillows and settling into the optimal spinal position. Richie follows, throwing an arm over Eddie’s waist.

“It’s not sad.” Richie says into his hair. “It means the good stuff never has to stop.”

“I think Stan and Pat would beg to differ.” Eddie mutters. “Sixteen sounds like a nightmare.”

“Hey, Essie’s having a rough patch.” Richie says. “Doesn’t mean it’s not worth it. You know they’d say the same.” Richie runs his fingers under Eddie’s t-shirt, moving them a little until Eddie shoves at him.

“Think Ben and Bev will ever get around to it?” Eddie says. “Kids?”

“Mm. I think Bev always liked being an auntie.” Richie says. “All the fun stuff, no trauma.”

“Sounds nice.” Eddie says. He’s drifting now, the weight of Richie lulling him like a heated blanket.

“What’s your favourite part?” Richie says after a long pause. Eddie has to drag himself out of the mist of sleep to think about it.

“I- this, I think.” He says.  
  
“I don’t think this counts-“

“Having it be us, I mean.” Eddie mumbles into his pillow. “The three of us. It’s the best thing I’ve done with my life.”

“Just so you know, that’s gayer than my thing.”

“Shut up. Sleeping.” Eddie says.

“Okay.” Richie whispers, and he holds him. The moon shines through the trees in their yard, and together they fall asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Might expand on this might not idk :)


End file.
